Wednesday, January 9, 2008

doubting is easy

its 3am

i'm scared of not being able to learn and i'm scared of making a really huge mistake and i'm scared that i may have already made it. the kind that there's no turning back from. because for a year now, i've had it set on my mind but how do i know it's not just a faze i'm in the middle of? how in the world is it possible to just wake up one morning and have a "passion" for something and decide that thats what i want go after 100% And say, going along with that, that i didn't learn fast enough.. that even if i were to eat sleep and breathe this stuff, that when i'm out of here, it doesn't even matter because i'm still behind. it would be a complete and utter lie to say that i want to do this for stability.



well, if you're talking about art and illustration (which i'm assuming you are, that's what i gathered from your post) have no idea how over the past year or so that i've known you i've been so incredibly jealous of you for that "passion" and that you got to just wake up one day and decide that that's what you wanted to do, while it took me years of trying different things that didn't work until i finally arrived here. and even now i'm second guessing myself because i look back at all my past "dreams" that ended up failing because they weren't right. the best metaphor i can come up with is that i feel like a kid who got lost while out playing with her friends and is trying to find her way home. i know i'm in the right area. i know i'm in the right community. i just have to keep knocking on doors until i find it. it sucks when the door slams in my face or i open it to find someone other than "mommy" and "daddy" behind it, but i know if i keep trying, i'll find it.

that's the only way i get through all my doubt, is keeping hope that one day i'll get it right and it'll be worth it. and that's the only advice i can give you. trust that your instinct's right, that this is what you feel you should do and go with it. if it's not where you belong, God'll make sure you get there. though judging by the stuff i've seen you do, this is where you belong, and you're one of the lucky few people who just one day knew.

anyways, this comment's much too long :]

Grace said...

Can I give you the lamest illustration you've ever heard in your life?
Okay (I know you'll let me, because friends let each other make lame analogies without judging each other).
On Cycle 7 of America's Next Top Model, there were these two twins (what other number of twins can you have?) who both made it to like the final five. And they were the bottom two called up to the judges' panel that night. And the summary that they gave was that one twin, Michelle, took better pictures than her sister, on the whole. She was a natural model. The other twin, Amanda, was very good too, but she did have to work at it harder than her sister. The good point about her was that modeling was her absolute passion, and she wanted it more than her sister did, even though her sister performed better.
Guess who got to stay? Amanda. The one who wanted it more. She got further because it wasn't enough just to be good at it. To succeed in ANY industry, you HAVE to be passionate about it, and sometimes that means way more than the fact that you are or aren't the best at what you do.
Now this may sound like I'm saying, "You suck at what you do, but it's okay, because you love it. The one who sucked got further." Well, no, I wouldn't say something so ridiculous.
The point is, they were both VERY good. Out of everyone who tried out for ANTM, which is hundreds of girls (at least) all over the country, they were in the TOP FIVE. And that's a really big deal. And don't think that they aren't both doing quite well for themselves after the exposure they got off of that show, because even if you don't win ANTM, you get major points in the industry for making it that far.
The point is, if you're good at what you do--which you ARE, I know you, I know your work and I wouldn't bother to type anything if I thought you had no talent or potential here--and you are willing to grow and learn, then when it comes down to two people who are both great at what they do, but one of them has a passion for it, then that one is going to go further. People can tell that that one wants it more. And that one is you.
It's late. I'm tired. I hope this analogy made something vaguely resembling sense.

And if it didn't, then maybe you can take a tiny bit of solace in the fact that you are SO not alone in your doubts about where you are, what you're doing, where you're going, etc. I promise.