Friday, January 4, 2008


Right now I feel like a big muddle of emotions and it sucks. It really does. If someone, perhaps Grace, were to ask me to name one emotion, I probably wouldn’t be able to do it.

I think part of it has to do with this house. Every time I come here, it happens. I’m surprised at how instant it happens, too. This house traps me into a box of un-motivation.

I have so many things I want to do and get done. Back at school, my creative juices are like the insides of gushers. All you have to do is say one thing and a big juicy idea pops into my head and I can’t wait to bust into it and have my friend’s heads turn into watermelons. -I've made a few things, but not much. I’ve been drawing here and there and I’ve been working on some old photographs that I forgot about. I knitted a scarf last night. I figured out how to work the On Demand button on our clicker and have been having a marathon of Cartoon Network’s new show called Chowder. Me gusta.

I've also been writing down ideas for stuff that I want to do. I need to make some businessy card things.. I would feel more professional and.. real. I also have discovered the wonders of 3D illustration. Neat!

I had no idea creativity depends so much on location. You wouldn’t believe what it’s been like since Encounter. Talk about a rollercoaster. It was as if the minute I rolled into NA, my little bubble was popped. A speeding ticket might be a good assumption of what makes me feel that way.

Here is the schedule of my home life:

7:00 am- lying in bed awake (my body wakes me up at 7) and wanting to get out of bed because I don’t need anymore sleep, but knowing there is nothing to so, so I stay there and deliberate how cold I am and wishing my family didn’t ban me from the heater

9:00 am- alone

10:00 am- alone

12:00 pm- alone, grab a sandwich (maybe?)

1:00 pm- alone

2:00 pm- alone

3:00 pm- alone

4:00 pm- alone

5:00 pm- alone but with my mom and brother home. Still alone though

6:00 pm- dad’s home-ish probably outside

7:00 pm- all of the tv’s in the house are on. Everyone watches their own … and is alone

8:00 pm- we’ve started to make fires in the fireplace more often. Makes for good bonding time

9:00 pm- on the computer, facebook mostly and blogs

10:00 pm- ……….. you get the idea

For the past 2 days I’ve been trying something new. Not because I think it will give me different results, but because being at home in the daytime is so miserable. 2 nights in a row, I have been staying up until 7 in the morning, watch my family get ready for school and work, watch them eat breakfast and leave. And then I go to sleep until about 4 or 5 and wait for them to get home. I know, it sounds like I’m turning into a pathetic little puppy dog, and it’s not because as soon as they get home I need them to pat me on the head, but I just want something happening around me. When I’m here by myself, everything is motionless.. and that scares me.

I probably sound needy.


Anonymous said...

the offer still stands for you to come for a visit ... we could do things around each other...

Grace said...

Why, Courtney, if you had to name only one emotion that you are feeling right now, what would it be? : )
I'm heavily empathizing with you. Promise.

Courtney Vaughan said...

ohh Brandi- i really would if i could, but i'm being forced to stick around for the dreaded JURY DUTY-- GROSS

and Gracie- i think we are connected in a way we do not know. like through our hearts or something.

Anonymous said...

If they dismiss you, you should come then :-D

smeller said...

oh my gosh... me have the same problems! alone=no motivation! 3D illustration=awesome! well that's not a problem but ...anyway... we should give each other assignments and due dates until we get back.

Courtney Vaughan said...

giving homework to each other would be amazing.. whatever happened to Illustrate That? i find more and more that if an idea isn't done IMMEDIATELY after it's said, then it just doesn't happen? i mean, pidgeonship was such a good one, but we should have done it the day after!

and speaking of homework- is the Pixar Movie Marathon Poster Contest still on, Crottsy? let's get on that!

(ps. is "Crottsy" weird? i don't know where that came from but i sorta like it. let me know if that makes you uncomfortable)


i knoooow what you mean. i'm so lethargic at home. at school i'm super inspired but i never have any ideas.

i've found in the past week that i get inspired by looking at stuff online. like looking at your blog, looking at stuff on devart, watching videos...all of a sudden in the past few days i've had a surge of inspiration and i can't do enough fast enough...i'm working on something in psp right now, working on a video, trying to finish my painting, and i've gotten some other ideas too. i'm so glad i've got next week off to hash it all out before i go back to school and get busy again.

and you have no clue how crazy i'm going drawing with my mouse >.< i have a feeling i'd be in even more of a frenzy if i had a tablet.

Anonymous said... kitchen floor is growing large tumors that makes it look pregnant. they're kind of squishy, bouncy and feel like they're filled with fluid, or maybe baby things. you should draw what it is that my kitchen floor births with melted wax as your media. i expect it posted up here by midnight of thur.

ha..not really. but you should. i want to see it.